The Newsletter & Old Rampwickian

Rampwick Newsletter

incorporating

"The Old Rampwickian"

It is hoped that as well as information on current events and new ventures at Rampwick, we will be able to include articles and submissions from ex patients (yes- there are a few releasees !) . So if you would like to add to the site for the benefit of all our readers , please send articles in plain text to our email address. (rampwick@freeuk.com)

So ... to issue number 1. It is with great regret that I have to open our first newsletter with the sad news that our ex- chaplain Emyr Owen (known to us all as Emyr The Bad) has passed away. I think that the best thing to do is to reproduce here the copy from the Cambrian News of Feb. 8th 2001 which explains some of his final years, although I note that they have missed out his tenure at Rampwick. Whilst it is fair to say that many here thought him a bit weird , he fitted in fine with the overall Rampwick ethos and both he and his funny little ways will be missed by all. (if not the local sheep farmers )

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Funeral has taken place of minister 'Emyr the Bad'

The funeral has taken place of an Aberystwyth-trained church minister who mutilated corpses awaiting burial and issued threats to kill a child.

Emyr Owen or 'Emyr the Bad' as he was known , died at his Penrhyn Bay home and was cremated in Colwyn Bay last Thursday.

Blaenau Ffestiniog-born Mr Owen was sentenced to four years imprisonment at Chester Crown court on 26th March 1985. He pleaded guilty to three charges of mutilating corpses between April 1976 and December 1984and was sentenced to 30 months in jail with a further 18 months jail running consecutively , after pleading guilty to making threats to kill a child.

After attending theology colleges at Aberystwyth and Bala he was given his first pasturate at Llangybi near Lampeter in 1952. At the time a bus load of of his family and friends from Blaenau Ffestiniog made the 170 mile round trip for his ordination.

He spent some time in Coventry and from 1962 to 1972 was at Princes Road , Liverpool and for four years until 1976 was at Capel Mawr, Beddgelert. He moved to Tywyn in 1976 and was a highly respected minister and covered chapels over a wide area from Abergynolwyn to Aberdyfi. He was chaplain to the High Sheriff in 1982.

But there were some concerns as to his lifestyle. He used to drive a Fiat 127 which had transfers of flame blowing serpents and when challenged said they were to hide scratches. A member of his congregation recognised him dressed as a Hells Angel.

During his time at Tywyn there were very strong local rumours that he was involved with Black Magic after churches at Tywyn and Bryncrug were desecrated.

There was also the unsolved mystery of sheep being violently killed and having their throats cut in what was thought to be ritual killings in the Dyssynni Valley.

But the rumours were nothing to what was to be revealed on Christmas eve 1984 at a special sitting at Tywyn magistrates court.

Mr Owen who lived alone at Maethlon Close and was 62 at the time was charged with mutilating corpses and cutting off their private parts, storing them in jars at his home and then feeding parts of bodies to seagulls on Tywyn beach.

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Winter Newsletter

Time moves on. Rampwick, like so many therapeutic (or corrective) institutions is having to make small changes to enable its sponsors and funding organisations to justify our centre of excellence to continue to provide a different and often unique service.

Government funds continue to come from 'protected' sources to enable us to provide a discrete and often untraceable service to employees who require adjustment, re-education or more dramatic corrective therapies to 'remain on line'. NHS funds continue to emanate from often surprising budgets to allow us to continue to manage "difficult" clients which more public institutions , such as Broadmoor, are are experiencing difficulties with. Our unique treatments often surprise both patients and previous medical advisors by their seemingly simple and drastic effectiveness. Who else for instance would have thought of resurrecting the "Blubberhouses Bather" (an old witches ducking stool) to cure priapism.

Now to a new venture. Rampwick is now receiving direct referrals from Social Service agencies (affectionately known as the 'SS') for disturbed and intractable patients. Here a chronic and aggressive nymphomaniac is receiving counselling and therapy from the medical Director in a new therapeutic area. We call this Revulsion Therapy and early signs are encouraging. Clearly this poor young psychopath will probably never offer herself to males of all ages and appearance again.

Annual Open Evening.

Following the problems at last years gathering for current and recently discharged clients, the main hall is now redecorated and disinfected. Providing several outstanding HIV and Hepatitis tests on staff, following their injuries last year, are negative , we hope to arrange a further event in the summer (perhaps a picnic on Saddleworth moor) (Would all legal representatives for injured parties please contact Mr Hyde for the appropriate response)

You can't win 'em all!

A recent press story confirmed the old saying and we regret to announce that all therapy attempts appear to have failed. The newspaper report said..............

Costume Drama
A 58 year old company boss died when his kinky sex game using dental anaesthetic equipment and gas went tragically wrong in his bedroom, an inquest heard. D.B had an anaesthetic mask strapped to his face and was wearing tan tights, a grey pleated skirt, black bra, clear plastic apron and a blue jumper when he was found by his estranged wife. The mask was attached to four gas tanks - two of oxygen and two of nitrous oxide the inquest was told. ....A verdict of accidental death was recorded on Mr B. whose body was surrounded by pictures of "females in underwear and anaesthetic equipment"

Great News!!
After several years without spiritual help, our patients are finally going to get a new chaplain. The Bishop of Southwark has seen the sense in applying for a quiet out of the way post at Rampwick. His remarks about it being entirely out of character for him to be drunk and engaging in fisticuffs outside a London pub are, of course emminently believable and we think he will fit in to Rampwick as snugly as a pork sword in a rent boy*.

Seeking old patients

We are now offering through our website a service for old patients and staff. If you would like to place an 'ad' please send an email to rampwick@freeuk.com.The first few now follow.

1) Seeking............. Would Mr Robert Mugabe please contact the staff at Rampwick to arrange immediate re-treatment .

2) Would Mr Math*w For* please either return the hospital camera or the photographs.

Letters From Our Readers

Dear Sir,

I noted with some interest the outstanding and innovative work that is being accomplished at the Rampwick Hospital, whilst searching the Internet this evening, for information regarding the subject of aversion therapy. My interest in this subject is entirely professional. But let me explain… I run an hotel in the Inner Hebrides, whose clientele I have reason to believe are at other times the subject of being sectioned under the terms of The Mental Health Act. Somehow, I suspect that many of them are participating in some sort of release programme, of which I have little or no understanding. At this time of year, having spent some several months in quiet seclusion, I must now face the reality of another year. The question is, can I manage? Is there any possibility of my gaining admittance to your esteemed establishment sometime in the next few weeks, whereby I might develop personality traits so frighteningly unsympathetic to the general public, that they leave these premises instantaneously, but not before depositing large sums of money on the doorstep for my benefit? I note that one or two of my acquaintances in this area have clearly been the subject of such treatment and feel that I too could benefit. As an aside, I am quite amazed at the advances that have been made in the field of neurosurgery these days. Each summer, I devote endless hours examining closely the heads of my customers, when they arrive in their motor cars, in order to find where the scar tissue from their full-frontal lobotomies might be. I now conclude that it must be some sort of new non-invasive technique that is applied to them; a sort of key-hole surgery perhaps. In most instances, it seems however that the surgery has failed quite drastically but the clear absence of scarring is amazing. Anyway, I have taken enough of your time. I have to return to the hill to adjust the bromide levels in the water supply.

Kindest Regards Sigismund J. Earwig III Chief Executive Officer The Ben Laden Hotel

Dear Sir,

Can you help me? I am desperate and do not know where else to turn. I recently woke up in the Rampwick Hospital with tubes all over me, but with no idea why.
On enquiry I was informed by the matron that she did not have eyes in the back of her head, I was probably operated on while she was painting the lift, how could I expect her to say for definite why I had had surgery?
But the next day a man in dungarees turned up to service my radiator and explained that I had come into the hospital to deliver a pizza, and he had noticed me walking funny. He had diagnosed appendicitis and had decided to whip it out there and then, you do not muck about with a duff appendix he said, leave it too long and you could go deaf.
I said I did not remember any of this and he said no, you wouldn’t, you had a lot of anaesthetic due to the fact it was the first time the window cleaner had given one and the theatre nurse had filled his bucket to the top, a bit of brain damage was only to be expected.
So I asked if I could speak to this nurse, and he said she only nursed Thursdays, she was back on the switchboard now, but could he help? So I said when will I get my memory back and he said he wasn’t a bloody brain expert, he just did the boilers and the odd appendix when the surgeon was up the bingo, but a relative would take me home soon.
Next day one did, but she was not mine. I do not know whose relative she is, she just keeps saying she had always wanted a husband of her own and it served the hospital right for leaving the back door open. So my question is; who am I, and what do I do about this remote control that the boiler man seems to have left inside me; every time I walk past this woman’s telly it changes channels, should I have it took out again, and if so would it be a good idea to go privately?

Yours etc.
Oh, I only wish I knew..............

Ramwick Replies

Dear Sir,
honestly some people just don't know when they are well off do they? There you were with a free diagnosis for a duff appendix and now, due to your incompetent brain cell arrangement we don't know who to send the bill to. The window cleaner is demanding the equivalent of two extra panes for the anaesthetic job, the plumber reckons he ought be compensated for not having the spare parts to sell and our surgeon is throwing a wobbly 'cos it was his turn to do some cutting and after all, who knows when the next pizza delivery will arrive. By the way, if you do ever remember who you worked for, they forgot the anchovies.
Yours sincerely,
Rampwick Hospital.

I understand from a friend wot lives near the Common that you help a bit up at that Rampwick Orspital in Blubberhouses. My Wilf was there for a year or two in the 1990's & he is not like he wos before e went up there. He did nothing reely bad apart from that bisness with the sheep & the car batteries but they said it wos strange & sent him to your ospital Hes not bin right since he came out with that funny bracelet thing, every time he tries to luv me he screams awful & is willy thing goes all small. I dont thik its natral & blame that Rampwick place, I went there once you know & it is a bit scary, I had to take all my clothes off at the guardroom bifore I went in & they gave me a 'rub check' wich I thought was a bit personal wot with the six blokes all doing it.Still enuff, I think the old Bish of Sutherk will sort you all out, he was luvly to me that day, I aws with the kids in the car & in he jumped & started playing with them, its only when Kevin told him to stop poking him with his 'toy missile' that he got upset & threw all our toys out the back. I think it wos our fault really but the papers sed different.OK he'd had a drink or two, but as he said 'youve got to be friendly when you meet Johnny Foreigner'.I'm sorry our Sid tried to borrow his mobile, it all got a bit blown up in them papers.Anyroad, we all think eel be a great chaplin at your place just be careful to keep an eye on the sheep & remember he gets a bit funny round electric things. Good luck to im, eel sort you all out, Yvonne Prepuce.

Staff Vacancies.

We still have not replaced our Chaplain Emyr , but are encouraged that the recent resignation by the Archbishop of Canterbury may suggest he is anticipating a successful application to join us at Blubberhouses.

1) A vacancy exists for a ward orderly who is also adept in pig farming. Standard rates of pay + bacon on a productivity basis.

2) Hospital Chaplain. (but now see above re- Bishop of Southwark.Top man; or so the r**t b*ys say!

For either vacancy please contact our PR/ human resources manager Mr Hyde.

Given the varied and colourful lives most of our patients have led it would be good to incorporate a few of their life experiences in the 'Old Rampwickian' We hope that patients past and present (when able) can find time to write a small piece for this site.

* Not that we are in any way implying that this is wrong but for a very reasonable fee we can wire our ECT machine to the
private parts as part of our revulsion therapy technique for a very reasonable fee.
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As part of our efforts to keep all informed of our good efforts here at Rampwick, we pass on a recently received letter from HMG. We do have to point out however that at this time we feel that they are totally missing the point and are ignoring the obvious welfare benefits to these patients whilst concentrating on a few minor side effects that can always happen in these cases. We have however asked the cleaner to have another go at gluing the voltage knob back onto the machine.

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From: Government Advisory Body on Therapeutic Voltages in Psychoelectric Therapies.

Area of concern: Reports of excessive voltage ECT therapy at Rampwick Hospital, Blubberhouses, N.Yorks.

Reports: Received from recently redundant staff & patient reports.

Detail: Evidence reported from family members of Mr. Mada Sahata, an Afghan asylum seeker recently transferred for treatment of a Fowl Delusional Disorder, at Rampwick. His family report severe burns to his forehead are slow to heal. They feel that these injuries are far more severe than the residual damage from his earlier interrogations at Guantanamo Bay Holding Centre in Cuba. In addition his slight & occasional worries that he might in fact be a chicken are now overwhelming to the extent that he now sleeps on a perch & has apparantly laid a large brown egg. They feel that the voltage used in his therapy exceeded Government Guidlines by 4 or 5 times.

Further detail: Herr B.Onkers, a South African Diplomat referred discretely from the Embassy in London, now has a fistula through his frontal area large enough to admit passage of a pencil from right to left.While he appreciates the usefulness of this for meetings etc. he feels that it is evidence of excess voltage at his ECT for his eczema (which incidentally is not improved). He also has had an allergic reaction to the rubber gag used; this is outside our present enquiry.

Action: The Advisory Body would like to send our Chief Voltage Tester, Mr Crisp, & his team to measure the PD of your equipment & report back to ourselves pending further action.

Mr Crisp will be in touch soon to arrange a convenient time to visit.

Yours faithfully,

A.C Waveform, Professor of Therapeutic Electricity, Ohm House, Wheatstonebridge, Ampshire.

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