Automated Helpline

RAMPWICK AUTOMATED HELPLINE

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press one repeatedly

If you are co-dependant , please ask someone to press two for you

If you have multiple personalities , press three, four, five and six.

If you are paranoid , we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press seven now and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic , listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive , it doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press eight and state your name, date of birth, social security number, and your mothers maiden name.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or after the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, press nine.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to to talk to you.